Monday, June 6, 2011
I can't sleep. Today has been hard. I am feeling run down already. I am already sick of so many doctors appointments and trying to get Jaylie to eat healthy and take all her medicines and vitamins. She threw up today before radiation (we dont think it was related to radiation) and then was nauseous after radiation. I had to give her her first anti nausea medicine, zofran, today. It was a struggle getting her to take that, let alone any medicine. I hope she gets more used to it. She has to be on an antibiotic (for preventative purposes)through the whole course of treatment and then 6 months after her last treatment of chemo. She will be on it for over a year. She has to be on another preventative medication for the entire duration of treatments too. She hates them. I am already starting to have a hard time with everything, I'm worried how it will be when she gets really sick and I am more tired and worn out. I hope I can do it. Im feeling so stressed about it. We were tucking Jaylie in to bed tonight and Kip and I were talking to her. We always want to make sure she knows she can talk to us and ask us questions. She was asking when all her treatments would be done, and we told her not till after your next birthday (probably in March) and so she realized that she will be going through this for a while. Then she started saying that she wished she didn't have cancer and she wants it to hurry and go away and never ever happen again. She wished no one in our family had it. Then she said she wished no one ever got it, not anyone in the whole world. It broke my heart. It breaks my heart every time she tells us she wishes she doesnt have cancer or that she wishes she didnt have to have treatments, or that she wishes every day were Saturday so she could have a day off. Its so sad that my little princess has to deal with this stuff. She also said that she can't ever let little Crew (her baby brother) get it because that would be bad because he is just so cute. She kept repeating that he can't ever get it. It was so sweet and sad at the same time. She loves Crew so much. She said Breklyn was cute too so she can't get it either. She has been such a sweet little girl through all of this. I love her so much. This is so hard. Thinking of the future is so hard. I hate thinking of what she's going to go through with losing her hair and getting tired and so sick. She has been a tiny bit sick and her hair is starting to fall out a lot more after I brush it, and it has been hard on me today, and i know this is going to be nothing compared to what is going to come. It's so hard. I just hope I can keep it up for another 8 months and stay strong for her. I have to, I don't have a choice. It stinks because I didn't choose this path, but I have no choice than to stick with it and be strong. I know God has a plan for us and for Jaylie and that He loves us more than we can know. That is what we hang onto. There is a plan and He will take care of us. I just don't like the plan at the moment, but someday probably after I die, I will understand the purpose of all this. I don't mean to be negative if that's how I am sounding, it's just hard. I do want to say that Jaylie is a trooper and is really doing well. I couldn't be more proud of her.